Orange Julius Caesar Salad
by Erilis
Summary: If it weren't for the thirdperson speaking Caesar, the chainsmoking Antony, and the poor, mistreated Brutus and Cassius whom some believe to have a Batman & Robin relationship, how can Rome possibly prosper?
1. Stupid Tribunes

**Orange Julius Caesar Salad**

_A parody of William Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'_

Hello, my good readers! Welcome to the brand new Shakespoof, _Orange Julius Caesar Salad_! Let it be known that I will try my best to update this regularly, and that hopefully it will live up to any expectations set by readers.

**First and Only Disclaimer:** I do not own Julius Caesar, or the characters therein. Or any of the pop culture figures that may appear. I think you guys would know that. And no, I don't know if I spelled Marullus' name right. Sorry.

**Act I, Scene i**

_Enter many, many, many people, most of them drunk and/or intoxicated and/or under the influence of something illegal. The scene is set with many features of ancient Rome, but, in true anachronism style, there is a pick-up truck in the background. Enter Marullus and Flavius, Roman tribunes, just as Village Idiot runs by, also under the influence of something that should be illegal, but isn't (a Sharpie)._

**Marullus: **Oh, why do these people party like so? Don't they know the great leader Pompey has been defeated by this... this... _hooligan_?

**Flavius: **... You are one of the most educated people in the Roman city and world, and you can't think of a word other than 'hooligan'? You're pathetic. But anyway, yes. I agree. Poor Pom-Pom... speaking of which, what are those on Caesar's statue?

**Marullus: **_-very shocked gasp-_ They're... they're pom-poms! How dare they forsake the item most treasured by Da Pom-Pom himself?! Look there, there is a large gathering. Let us go be obnoxious buttfaces and intrude and run them all away.

_Marullus and Flavius do so, rushing into the middle of the crowd and waving their arms, screaming, shouting, cussing, anything to get the people away. Finally they come across the Village Redneck, who just stares at them and their stupid antics._

**Marullus: **Who are you and what is your occupation?

**Village Redneck: **_-thick, Southern accent and dialect- _Why, my name's Jimmy-Joe, Sir. 'N whut I do's h'ar 'lotta people. I's a occyapayshun-

**Marullus: **_-interrupts-_ Did... did you say you... 'harlot' people?

**Village Redneck: **Wh'yeah. I h'ar lotsa people. I h'ar lotta them Mexica-uh-ns, them Greek 'uns, them Afr'can 'uns...

_Misunderstanding the Village Redneck causes Marullus to viciously scold him about how 'disrespectful' his position is, how it degrades women (or men, should he have those too), and how he should be put to death for such a thing._

**Village Redneck: **_-confused-_ But I do sumthin' th' Roman werld needs! Without me, y'all lose 'lotta jobs...

**Marullus: **A pimp is not necessary, Mr... whoever you are.

**Village Redneck: **Pshaww. I ain't no pimp. I's a occyapayshunal ther'pist.

**Flavius: **... _-points at Marullus and laughs-_

**Marullus: **... Oh... oh... go run home, now isn't the time for you to be _hiring_ anyone. Now go. Shoo. Scurry. Vamoose, Mr. Potter.

**Village Redneck: **But m' name ain't Potter. It's...

**Marullus: **I don't care, you idiot. Just run away. Skedaddle.

_Village idiot exits, and Marullus and Flavius turn their attention to a statue of Caesar that is decorated with pom-poms. They promptly begin removing them, before a giant cheerleading squad appears and starts beating on them. The curtain falls on the scene as they are killed by homicidal teenage girls._

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Well, we're off to a good start._

_Diego: They aren't._

_Erilis: They're not important, so it doesn't matter. R&R!_


	2. His Door Don't Swing That Way

**Act I, Scene ii**

_Enter Caesar with Marc Antony, Calpurnia, and Brutus, as they come into a crowded scene. Antony is smoking a cigarette, his tenth that hour, and Brutus is scolding him about how bad that is for him._

**Caesar: **Caesar is glad to be here at this event. Caesar also wishes that Antony will touch his wife so that she will be able to have baybayz.

**Antony: **8D

**Caesar:** Caesar does not mean in that way.

**Antony: **D8 I guess I'll try, Caes- _-coughing fit-_

**Caesar: **Caesar is not very assured by your coughing. Perhaps Caesar should consider getting someone else to run and touch his wife, so that she may have a-baybay.

**Antony: **I'll do it. I swear. And I'll run and I'll- _-coughing fit-_

**Caesar: **He is still not very sure...

**Calpurnia: **Just let him...

_Pleased with Calpurnia's settlement, Caesar orders Antony to get ready for the race. Calpurnia, Caesar, and Antony start walking that way, when some old idiot runs in._

**Soothsayer: **Beware the Ides of March!

**Caesar: **WTF was that, Caesar wondered all of a sudden!

**Soothsayer: **Beware the Ides of March! Beware the Ides of March! Beware the Ides of Mar-

_The Soothsayer is trampled by a herd of buffalo, led by the Great Pointy-Footed Buffalo of D00m. He tragically dies, the true hero of this tale._

**Caesar: **... o.o Caesar is shocked by these strange events. He thinks we should move on.

**Brutus: **I'll wait here, Caesar-man. I'll catch up.

_Enter Cassius, some low-down dirty punk._

**Cassius: **Brutus! My good, good friend!

**Brutus: **_-unenthusiastically-_ Cassius. My man.

**Cassius: **Why do you not respond to me as lovingly as you once did? Aye, Cassius knows that Brutus doth not love him...

**Brutus: **That's kinda what I've been trying to get everyone believe, man. I _don't_ love you in that way. So stop. Saying. It.

**Cassius: **But it is a common Roman trend!

**Brutus: **A very gay one.

**Cassius: **Happy indeed!

**Brutus: **-.-' Why don't you just... scurry away?

**Cassius: **I wanted to talk to you. Come, let us discuss things in the 'Door That Swingeth the Other Way'.

**Brutus:** _-very shocked look- _Dude, that's a gay bar!

**Cassius: **Hm, that explains why they're so nice to me in there... ANYWAY. I was wanting to discuss with you about Caesar.

**Brutus: **No, I will not, never, ever, neverevernevernever...

**Cassius: **o.o No. Not that. Don't you think he is a tad... ambitious?

**Brutus: **... Go on.

**Cassius: **He is a powerful man, full of ambition. _-dramatic pause-_ LET'S KILL HIM!

**Brutus: **LYK YAH WAI!!!!

**Cassius: **CHEYAH!!!

**Brutus: **O RLY?/??

**Cassius: **YA RLY!111

**Brutus: **Why is it that in every one of these there's an 'O RLY YA RLY' talk?

**Cassius: **Because the author is a fool.

**Erilis: **I resent that.

**Brutus: **Anyhoo, we're on for the Ides of March?

**Cassius: **It's a date, Brutus. ;D

**Brutus: **_-shivers, walks away-_

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Hey, I made an appearance in this._

_Diego: Whoop-de-doo. Read and Reveiw._

_Erilis: ZOMG THAT RHYMES._


	3. Jive is Serious Business

**Act I, Scene iii**

_Setting is a stormy street. Thunder and lightning. So much, in fact, that every now and then lightning strikes and makes a part of that sidewalk asplode. Someone's head asplodes too. Enter Cicero and Casca._

**Cicero:** Yo, Casca, whut up mah dawg?

**Casca: **Aw, I ain't be havin' such a good ol' time Ciccy mah man.

**Cicero: **Whut be da crazeh turkeh, Cassie?

**Casca: **You know the light be makin' it all lit up and crackas heads be up asplodin' while they're a-movin' their white feet up dis here sidewalk 'n the whole world just bein' crazeh. Da gods be crankin' all up in da joint makin' bruthas poppa caps in ya.

**Cicero: **Ya know it.

_Enter Cassius, who doesn't speak jive, and is totally lost. He narrowly avoids a bolt of lightning, and does so by jumping rather girlishly into Casca's arms. He giggles a little, and is dropped._

**Casca:** Hey, Cassius, what be goin' up in y'all's cracka joint?

**Cassius: **Hello there, Jive Brethren! Might I interest you in a murder conspiracy?

**Cicero: **Man, I ain't playin' my deck without knowin' what be da crazeh turkeh, Cassie.

**Casca: **Crazeh turkeh done stumped me too, Ciccy.

**Cicero: **Man, I wouldn't blowin' yo' way.

**Casca: **Well, you sho' bein' like it.

**Cassius: **Now then, men, I'm sure we can all agree that there are plenty of spots you can fill by yourselves! Why, I've already invited Brutus into our little 'game' we're going to play with Caesar. ... Caesar, that vile man, whose name is held higher than ours just because it is - gasp - _his!_ O, cruel fate, dealing us all poor hands. Why, just last year I beat him in a swimming race-

**Casca: **Nawww, we ain't wantin' ta let dat turkeh come in our ears, man. Keep ya door closed.

**Cassius: **I was just talking about how he nearly drowned in the River Tiber...

**Cicero: **Yeah, y'all's talkin' 'bout da funky pants dance, fo' sho'.

_Cassius suddenly grabs Cicero by the collar, nearly throttling him for his vile remarks. Obviously he has no idea what the Senator really meant; he's just taking a rough guess._

**Cassius: **Now you listen here, Ciccy. My pants are very well ironed, thank you, I press and crease them myself every evening before I go to bed! I wear the same pair! Same pair!

**Casca/Cicero: **o.o

**Casca: **Uh... ya talkin' bull?

**Cicero: **Same?

**Cassius: **I talk no bull! Same pants! Same fold, same crease! SAMEFLIPPINPANTS.

**Cicero: **Hey, hey, hey, I'll come wi'ya on dat mackdaddyquest.

**Casca: **Fo'shizzle. Now where da Narnia at?

**Cassius: **... What does that mean?

**Casca: **Where da Narnia at? Where da peeps at?

**Cassius: **Oh, they're here. See? They're pink bunnies and yellow chicks!

_Cassius holds up a little box of Peeps; for a moment both Casca and Cicero stare into the pits of darkness that are Peeps' pupilless eyes, before they finally force Cassius to take them away._

**Cicero: **Man, el diablo be in dat joint!

**Casca: **Ain't neva seen nuthin' blackah!

**Cicero: **'Cept fo' yo' sistah.

**Casca: **Fo' shizzle.

**Cassius: **Fo' shizzlerizzledizzledawg. Yo E-to-the-Vizzle, I-to-the-Lizzle.

_After a long period of just standing and staring at Cassius, he finally starts walking on, and Casca and Cicero continue walking. Somewhere down the road, a bolt of lightning strikes Cassius and turns him into MC Hammer. Stop. Stand, for it is HAMMAHTIME!_

**Entire Cast of play: **_-comes out to dance with MC Hammer-_

**Caesar: **Caesar can touch dis!

**Marc Antony: **Antony can't! _-passes out from lack of oxygen-_

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: I know, been a while since I updated, and it's not a great update. Sorry._

_Diego: Just read and review._


End file.
